“Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me.” Snyder vs. Phelps (Westboro Baptist Church)

"Sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me."

Snyder vs. Phelps (Westboro Baptist Church)

Richmond, Virginia

Rabbi Gary S. Creditor

October 8^th, 2010

 

Yesterday (Thursday) I read in the Times-Dispatch the article concerning the case before the Supreme Court filed by Albert Snyder, the father of a dead Marine, Lance Corporal Matthew A. Snyder, who died in Afghanistan, against the Westboro Baptist Church. They came to the funeral of his son and carried signs with slogans such as "Thank God for Dead Soldiers," "Thank God for IED's," "God Hates You," "You are going to hell," and "God Hates the USA," among others. While reading the article I remembered the phrase we all learned as children:

"Sticks and stones can break your bones but words can never hurt you."

I really didn't think about that when this same loathsome group came to Richmond in the spring and we joined hands with hundreds others at the Holocaust Museum hearing their disgusting, even blood curdling tirades. I have been in the proximity of some really ugly stuff, but that "took the cake." My mother quoted me this maxim. Many questions sprung into my head as I read the article and thought about this maxim.

 

Was my mother wrong? Why did she say this to me? Where did it come from?

Can anybody say any thing at any time in any place and get away with it?

Is that what the First Amendment really means?

Don't words truly hurt?

 

In the initial suit by Albert Snyder he was awarded damages of $11 million. Another judge reduced it to $5 million. The Richmond-based 4^th Circuit Court of Appeals threw out the award entirely. And so it is now before the Supreme Court.

 

These thoughts intersected in my mind with my teaching last Shabbat about being created in God's image as I connected that with the issue of bullying, also seeming to be ever more prevalent. Can we really say anything we want to anyone we want to, any time we want to say it, no matter how vile, how disgusting, how upsetting?

A few thoughts:

I.

We certainly want the freedom to say whatever we want. We want to tell governing officials that we like them or we don't; we endorse their policies or not; that we disagree or agree with the government's policies on the war in Afghanistan, health care, illegal immigration and anything else that comes to mind. We want to be able to put up signs for whichever candidate we endorse, and the right not to put up any at all. We can take out ads to support and reject. We want the freedom to print our Bibles and prayer books without censorship and our religious books proclaiming our faith, even as, especially as a distinct minority and nobody can stop us. Particularly as Jews, a tiny minority in an overwhelming majority Christian country, understanding despotism and tyranny from our history, this right is crucial for our freedom, for everyone's freedom. We can build our sukkot, put up our menorot, light our nayrot and wear our kippot! Thank God for America!

 

II.

There are some limits on what you can say and when you can say it: but not much more. You can't cry "Fire" falsely in a crowded theatre. You can't threaten to kill the President. You can't threaten to blow up a van in the middle of mid-town New York with impunity. After that, "all bets are off." It seems to me that our society rejects the notion of boundaries, limitations, and restrictions on what we can say or do, regardless of the next person's feelings and/or beliefs. Our personal right to do whatever we want to do trumps everything else: common decency, modesty, privacy, even morals and ethics. The slogan "Have it your way" extends to every realm beyond food: how to dress, how loud we can play our car radios, and how high we can fly the flag. The unfettered freedom we desire on one hand fashions an atmosphere, an ambience, and aura that can create an ugly, mean and horrible world to live in. We don't live in isolation. We live in context. The words spoken and waved, printed hard-copy or electronic streaming on You-Tube, Facebook and Twitter, are impossible to deny or escape.

 

III.

I was curious to see if there was an origin of the oft-repeated phrase. While appearing in slightly differing versions, there is no known author, nor time or place. Especially as I have had to use words, countless words, in sermons, speeches, articles, teaching and counseling, I came to the conclusion that my mother was right and that my mother was wrong.

 

Of course she was right! She is my mother! Even with out saying it specifically, she was saying that I had to have inner strength to stand up and not be broken by harsh and mean statements. I would hear anti-Semitic canards and need to have a back-bone. I would feel the pain of then Soviet Jewry and use words against the then USSR to free them. I would hear unpleasantries and need not become unpleasant myself. My mother was right! My body could be broken physically by sticks, stones and baseball bats. But my spirit needed to be stronger when bad or ill-meaning people would say nasty things at me. And I needed to learn not to speak badly at, to, or concerning others.

 

IV.

But my mother was also wrong. In researching for this sermon I found exactly the words I wanted in a site called Helium.com, in an article entitled "Relationship & Family: Friends & Peers: Sticks and stones may break my bones – and words hurt, too!" by Lonnette Harrell. I could footnote every part from our Jewish sources.

"There's an old children's saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me." If only that were true, but it's a fable that needs to be laid to rest. Words can hurt a lot more than sticks and stones. They may not break bones, but they can surely break hearts. Words can devastate. Words can wound; words can kill. Words can ruin reputations and destroy relationships. There's just no doubt about it-words hurt.

"Judging, cruel, venomous, and hateful words are verbal abuse at its worst. They leave long lasting emotional cuts and bruises. When someone hurts us, we play the tape over and over. No matter how many times we try to dismiss the hurtful tirade, sometimes those words are with us forever. There may be words from your childhood that you still can't escape. Stupid. Fatso. Ugly. Lazy. Crybaby. Dummy. Loser. Moron. Sissy. Chicken. And on and on. It starts with one word when we're young, but as we grow, the hurtful sentiments become phrases and even paragraphs. If we don't find a way to heal, they can cause lasting, permanent damage.

"Some people are so angry and bitter that they are ready to strike out at everyone. Their words are a reflection of their souls. The tongue only speaks what comes from the heart. Often they are angry, bitter, resentful people who want everyone to be as miserable as they are. They need healing and deliverance. And they need to understand that so called "honesty" is never an excuse for rudeness or cruelty.

"I have felt my heart physically ache from the pain of hurtful words. I have cried myself to sleep when words have wounded me deeply. A broken spirit is much harder to heal than a broken bone. So many of us carry these invisible scars that bring us untold pain.

"Even strong people will often collapse under the continual verbal attack of someone who really wants to wound them. Proverbs 11:9 says, "The hypocrite with his mouth destroys a neighbor." Proverbs 12:18 reminds us, "Reckless words pierce like a sword..." Put-downs are designed to gain control over someone else. (Hence, a lot of the "bullying" that children face in school and elsewhere.) When the person is confronted for their inappropriate actions, and not allowed to remain in control, they get even nastier.

"If someone continues to treat us with cruelty and disrespect, it is time to consider distancing ourselves from them. They are detrimental to our self-esteem, and quite frankly, we just don't need those kind of people in our lives. It's important to have boundaries, and to know your limits as to what you will allow.

"Those closest to us have an extra advantage when it comes to wounding, because they know our vulnerabilities, and we care what they think of us. A few well chosen words can annihilate. When they use intimate knowledge of our weaknesses, it is the worst kind of betrayal.

"Words are responsible for wars, and the end of friendships. Even the tone of the words can determine the meaning.

"It may be one remark, thoughtlessly tossed our way, but it impacts our future happiness, because we just can't get it out of our head. It becomes an inner dialogue with no "off" button.

"Verbal abuse is more than an occasional raised voice. It can include intimidation, making fun of someone, threats, embarrassment, or an attempt to control, manipulate, or demean another. When these things occur, it is not okay; it is verbal abuse. Verbal abusers will try to put the blame on you, and make you feel like you did something to deserve their cruelty, when in fact, you did not. They need to take responsibility for their actions. No one has a right to verbally abuse you because you don't agree with them. They intentionally use the words they do, because they know they cause pain.

"The Harvard Mental Health Letter (April, 2007) suggests that when abuse is continual and harsh, post-traumatic stress syndrome can occur. This is the same stress-oriented disorder that combat troops may experience. Verbal abuse can also lead to depression and disassociation disorders, including multiple personalities, hallucinations, increased physical symptoms, and being unable to recall parts of the past.

"I have been hurt, not only by words that were said, but also by words that weren't said. When we see an injustice, we have a responsibility to stand up for what is right. So your silence can bring great sorrow as well.

"Remember, words can be weapons. Words can destroy. The scars they leave can be more painful than a physical assault."

[Sources: http://www.news.harvard.edu/ga zette/2007/04.26/05-abuse.html]

V.

I would wish the members of the Supreme Court to read this article and consider it carefully in their deliberations as they balance our desire First Amendment freedom of speech and pain and cruelty inflicted by the Westover Baptist Church members. There has to be some balance.

 

But I would also challenge ourselves to contemplate how we speak to others and about others. What do we say and how do we say it? What is our tone and our demeanor? What kind of world are we living in? What kind of world do we want? And as parents and grandparents, what we are modeling for our children and grandchildren? Do we give them a backbone and make them sensitive to others at the same time? Do we teach them the words of the Psalmist (34):

 

"Keep your tongue from speaking evil, and your lips from speaking guile"

 

We might not influence the Supreme Court, but we can make a better world.

Shabbat Shalom.