To Learn to Live Without Regrets
Yizkor of Shavuot
May 28th, 2012
Rabbi Gary S. Creditor
My Rabbinic network enables the sharing of pearls of wisdom between colleagues. It is from that source that I derived the material that I share with you today. The initial author is Dr. Robert Brooks, who in an article entitled "Regrets" winds his way to a book by Bronnie Ware, an Australian nurse. She devoted several years working in palliative care with patients in the last twelve weeks of their lives. She finally compiled her blog into a book entitled "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying."
I quote from the article:
"Ware writes of the phenomenal clarity of vision that people gain at the end of their lives, and how we might learn from their wisdom." Ware identified the five main regrets of those facing imminent death, "common themes that surfaced again and again." The five themes resonated with many of the ideas that my colleague and close friend Dr. Sam Goldstein and I have addressed in our writings, especially in our book The Power of Resilience: Achieving Balance, Confidence, and Personal Strength in Your Life."
For the entire article please go to the following website:
http://www.drrobertbrooks.com/writings/articles/1205.html
Yizkor by its very nature directs us to look backwards towards the lives of our family members and friends and our lives with them. At least for me, standing here, when I look back I don't only see the one person I am thinking about. I see the whole panorama of life in which I have lived and that envelopes me at any one moment. I see the members of my family, members of my congregations and friends from along the journey. So these five themes strike me differently at each turn and twist of life's path. But perhaps as Dr. Brooks writes, we can learn something important for going forward from the exercise of looking back. Perhaps that is really a great use of Yizkor, that the paths of those whom we remember will illuminate the path we have yet to walk. Then in our own time, we can illuminate the paths for others as they remember us.
The five regrets as compiled by Bronnie Ware:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
In a different venue it would be interesting to see how we would vote on these five. Do we agree with her list? Which would we delete? What would we add? I would personally rework this list. There are some that ring true and others that don't. And most importantly, what can we learn from each regret, that while we yet are blessed with life, we can change, that we can be inspired by reflecting on the past to live a different life in the future.
I know that standing where I do today in my personal journey as a Rabbi and reflecting on Yonina's ordination last week and Menachem's ten years ago, that I have a certain contentment, internal satisfaction and neshamadik joy. While I don't jump and down externally, I have a serene bliss. I believe that I embrace more than I would wish to have changed. The cycle of Yizkor is good for the soul, to pause and reflect, backwards and forward.
I believe that there are certain songs that beautifully capture meaning. That is why I use so many in my sermons. In the beginning of Dr. Brooks article he refers to Harry Chapin's "Cats In the Cradle." I don't know what motivated Chapin to compose it, perhaps something from his personal life. This song has been a great motivator in my life. Like the five regrets by Bronnie Ware, it challenges us to consider our decisions in life. Perhaps by doing so, we won't have certain regrets. Here is the song:
My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch and bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talkin' 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you dad
You know I'm gonna be like you"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home dad?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, Dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw", I said "Not today
I got a lot to do", he said, "That's ok"
And he walked away but his smile never dimmed
And said, "I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
Well, he came home from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head and said with a smile
"What I'd really like, Dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, Dad, if I can find the time
You see my new job's a hassle and kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, Dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"
And as I hung up the phone it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me
And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man on the moon
When you comin' home son?
I don't know when, but we'll get together then son
You know we'll have a good time then
May the lives we remember today, our family, community, synagogue and friends, when we remember the lives of the Jewish military personnel who died in Iraq and Afghanistan, brightly illumine our paths in life.
May they inspire us to chose wisely what we do, how we do it, what we say, and when we say it.
May we find more satisfaction, more contentment and more fulfillment and less regrets along the way.
And now let us say "Yizkor."
Rabbi Gary S. Creditor
Temple Beth-El
3330 Grove Avenue
Richmond, VA 23221
Phone 804-355-3564
Fax 804-257-7152
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