Do You Love me?
Yom Kippur Yizkor
5774 2013
Rabbi Gary S. Creditor
Richmond, Virginia
I normally write the
Yom Kippur Yizkor sermon first. It breaks the log jam in my writing. Yet this
time I left it for last. The reason will be self-evident, as this has been the one
most difficult to compose.
Introduction
In the musical “Fiddler On The Roof,” after deciding
to permit Hodel to marry Perchik, Tevye turns to his wife Golde and asks her: “Do you love me?” I am sure that everyone, hopefully, remembers
this scene. In a shrill voice Golde responds: “Do I what?” Tevye repeats the question and Golde responds. He asks
again a second time and she responds and then Tevye asks Golde one more time
and she responds:
“Do I love him?
For twenty-five years
I’ve lived with him
Fought with him, starved
with him
Twenty-five years my bed
is his
If that’s not love, what
is?
And Tevye, finally
responds: “Then you love me?” Golde answers: “I suppose I do.” And he rejoins:
“And I suppose I love you to.”
In a final duet they
sing together:
“It doesn’t change a
thing
But even so
After twenty-five years
It’s nice to know.”
And when we are
laying in a hospital bed, or in a nursing home, or perhaps in our own bed at
home unable to speak for any number of reasons;
Or perhaps we are
the ones standing at the bedside of a loved one, a parent, a spouse, a friend,
for me it has been congregants, and we can only see their eyes but cannot
communicate;
As the doctor or
nurse is asking: “What do you want us to do?” I imagine that the one laying
there is asking: “Do you love me?” And we are standing there responding: “Do I
love you?”
The supreme question
of life and death is contained in that question: “Do you love me?”
Perhaps we say under
our breath: “God! What should we do?”
Though I am neither
God nor His surrogate, too many times in my Rabbinate families have turned to
me and said: “Rabbi! What should we do?”
It is a question
that must have an answer.
And the answers
should have been given a long time ago.
If we love them and
if they love us, as hard as it is, we must ask them and we must answer them,
when we are still able and in full control of our thoughts and speech. If we
love them, we won’t make them answer these questions. They will know ours.
I.
Perhaps when you
were admitted to a hospital they asked you questions pertaining to Advance Medical Directives which
included documents for a Living Will
and Durable Power of Attorney for Health
Care. These are important documents but do not allow for us to give
specific directions or express our wishes. The document Five Wishes to which I
will refer later goes a few steps further. Fortunately the Committee on Jewish
Law and Standards, through its sub-committee on Biomedical Ethics has created
an excellent instrument for these purposes. At this location in the electronic
edition of this sermon I am inserting the link to the page on the web. http://www.rabbinicalassembly.org/sites/default/files/public/publications/medical%20directives.pdf I recommend this document most highly because not
only does it provide the detailed questions that are necessary to address, but
it does through the prism of Conservative Judaism and allows us put our faith
into action while we live for when we are dying. It helps us face our
decisions. I wish to share a section from its introduction, Jewish Teachings about Health Care.
“Jewish tradition as
understood by Conservative Judaism teaches that life is a blessing and a gift
from God. Each human being is valued as created b’tselem elohim, in God’s image. Whatever the level of our physical
and mental abilities, whatever the extend of our dependence on others, each
person has intrinsic dignity and value in God’s eyes. Judaism values life and
respects our bodies as the creation of God. We have the responsibility to care
for ourselves and seek medical treatment needed for our recovery – we owe that
to ourselves, to our loved ones, and to God. In accordance with our tradition’s
respect for the life God has given us and its consequent bans on murder and
suicide, Judaism rejects any form of active euthanasia (“mercy killing”) or
assisted suicide. Within these broad guidelines, decisions may be required
about which treatment would best promote recovery and would offer the greatest
benefit. Accordingly, each patient may face important choices concerning what
mode of treatment he or she feels would be both beneficial and tolerable.
“The breadth of the
Conservative movement and its intellectual vitality have produced two differing
positions put forward by Rabbis Avram Reisner and Elliot N. Dorff both approved
by the Conservative movement’s Committee on Jewish Law and Standards. I am
pasting the web connection to both these documents into this sermon at this
location so that you can read them in their entirety.
“Both positions
agree on a large area of autonomy in which a patient can make decisions about
treatment when risk or uncertainty are involved. Both would allow terminally
ill patients to rule out certain treatment option, to forgo mechanical life
support, and to choose hospice care as a treatment option.
“Nevertheless,
important differences between the two positions may be found regarding both
theoretical commitments and practical applications. Rabbi Reisner affirms the
supreme value of protecting all life. Even the most difficult life and that of
the shortest duration is yet God given, purposeful, and ours to nurture and
protect.….Rabbi Dorff finds basis in Jewish law to grant greater latitude to
the patient who wishes to reject life-sustaining measures…In such circumstance,
a patient might be justified in deciding that a treatment that extends life
without hope for cure would not benefit him or her, and may be forgone.”
The Rabbinical
Assembly document Jewish Medical Directives for Health Care which you can
download and print or purchase, guides us through the questions of goals,
knowledge, treatment, health care agent, Rabbinic consultation and the detailed
questions for irreversible terminal illness with options to follow either Rabbi
Reisner’s posture or Rabbi Dorff’s. I must stay that the former is a personal
friend and the latter has been my teacher. Both opinions are heartfelt,
sensitive, thorough and compelling. It is a matter of personal choice and
vision.
At the very end,
above the place for our signature it says:
“As God is my rock
and my fortress and my deliverer, so may God be my refuge, my shield and my
salvation forever.”
So may He be.
II.
The organization “Aging With Dignity” [www.agingwithdignity.org]
created a booklet entitled “Five Wishes.” The fifth wish is entitled: “My Wish For What I Want My Loved Ones to
Know.” In looking through many documents, I found this section to be most
special and moving.
*I wish to have my
family and friends know that I love them.
*I wish to be
forgiven for the times I have hurt my family, friends and others.
*I wish to have my
family, friends and others know that I forgive them for when they may have hurt
me in my life.
*I wish for my
family and friends to know that I do not fear death itself. I think it is not
the end, but a new beginning for me.
*I wish for all of
my family members to make peace with each other before my death, if they can.
*I wish for my
family and friends to think about what I was like before I became seriously
ill. I want them to remember me in this way after my death.
*I wish for family
and friends and caregivers to respect my wishes even if they don’t agree with
them.
*I wish for my
family and friends to look at my dying as a time of personal growth for
everyone, including me. This will help me live a meaningful life in my final
days.
*I wish for my
family and friends to get counseling if they have trouble with my death. I want
memories of my life to give them joy and not sorrow.
It concludes with
the following, allowing space to write in the answer: If anyone asks how I want
to be remembered, please say the following about me….
I would like my
family and friends, my congregants and colleagues to know that these are my
wishes and I will include them there for all to know. Could you echo these
sentiments? Would like to make statements similar to these to family and
friends? Maybe you have personal ones to compose? Don’t wait.
When this sermon is
distributed electronically, the web site for this document will be included.
I close this section
with a famous quote that has been alternatively attributed to Professor
Reinhold Niebuhr or to Admiral Halsey:
“God give us grace
to accept serenity in the things
that cannot be changed, courage to
change the things that should be changed, and the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other.”
Conclusion
For over forty years
I have been writing four yizkor sermons each year, talking about death, the
meaning of life, relationships, what might be life-after-death, rituals and
rites. I have written hundreds of eulogies for all the funerals at which I have
officiated. In the beginning it was quite difficult and I was happy to have
material shared across the non-electric Rabbinic network. It was very difficult
when I was young because I had to face my own mortality as I looked at my young
children and wife and couldn’t deal with thinking about life for them without
me. Buying life insurance the first time was spiritually very traumatic. I have
grown accustomed to these sermons, eulogies and introspection. My children are
all adults on their own two feet, and the three young ones have their parents.
With the passage of time and the changes in medical technology, life has
focused me on dying more than death.
I am comfortable and
at peace in my faith that there is an “other side,” that there is another realm
of existence after this one. I embrace the classical Jewish belief that in its
incorporeality I will be near God, held close in His non-physical warmth and
light. I hope that the Rabbis were correct in saying that God holds class on
high for all eternity. I might even, metaphorically, “sit” in the back of the
room.
At this time in my
life I am more concerned on “how to die,”
even as I work hard at “how to live.”
I have the same fears that most of us have.
I must add – pooh-pooh-pooh! – that
-
I want to live out the maximum years
of my life.
I
want to grow old with Ruby.
I
want to see the continuing episodes of our children’s exciting lives.
I
dream about being at our grandchildren’s life-cycle celebrations.
And
I won’t push God too hard to ask for more.
But I want my family and doctors to know:
what I want,
what I don’t want,
what to do,
what not to do,
when to wait,
and, when not to.
I need to tell them
while yet I can and not wait for when it is too late. So I this summer I sat
down and answered all the questions. Now you know why I wrote this sermon last.
I procrastinated quite a bit and needed the time to do so. So I wrote all the
others and got them out of the way.
I most strongly encourage
everyone who hears these words or who reads them to take the time and do the
same. Get it done. Put it in the right places. And may they not be needed for many
years.
But when the moment
comes, as surely it must, when we lie there in bed looking or sensing the presence
of our loved ones, we will ask them: “Do
you love me?” And they must surely respond: “Do I love you?” Or, perhaps we are the ones standing by the
bedside and our loved ones are in the bed and we sense them saying to us: “Do you love me?” And we must surely
respond: “Do I love you?” And then
we will have all the answers to all the questions.
And there will be peace.
May God bless us all
with many years.
May God bless us
with those who love us.
May God bless us
with peace.
“And I suppose I
love you, too.” Amen.
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.