Jewish Reflections on Domestic Violence

Jewish Reflections on Domestic Violence: "Love Thy 'Neighbor' As Thyself" 
Rabbi Gary S. Creditor 
October 27th, 2006

During my Rabbinic career I have had the privilege to officiate at many weddings, including that of my son and daughter-in-law. There are a myriad of details to organize about the actual wedding ceremony and other rituals such as ufruf, bedeken and acquiring and signing of the ketubah. In addition to all those matters, I spend minimally one hour to give the couple some orientation to Jewish perspectives about what it means "to be married." Among the documents I share with them is one from an ancient copy of Psychology Today. In it they asked men and women the question: What kept marriage going? Both men and women listed as their first answer: My spouse is my best friend. So I ask every couple, "How is this central Jewish teaching?" They usually can't answer me. So I explain: In the sheva berachot, the seven marriage blessings recited in the service under chuppah, the bride and groom are called reyim ahuvim – loving reyim. It is a strange word to use in the beracha. How should I translate it? So I tell them that this word appears another time in the Torah, in the verse in Leviticus, "v'ahavta l'reyacha kamocha – love thy neighbor as thyself." So then there is one more step. In the verse in Leviticus, Who do you have to love first? I ask the couple. They always get it right, yourself. So what does the verse mean? I prod. They usually get this too: love your spouse with as much love as you love yourself. Then I say to them, if you forget everything else I tell you and remember just this, you will have a long and very happy married life. Judaism teaches us, commands us, blesses us to be loving neighbors, loving companions.

I open these remarks with this prelude because I focus tonight on the issue of domestic violence, as October is dedicated to highlighting that issue that is so destructive in society. It takes many forms and many paths. It can occur between spouses, from parents to children, from children to parents – especially when we and they are older, and between siblings. It can be verbal, psychological, emotional and sexual besides physical. This subject is not given prominence in the Jewish community, even though statistics tells us that it does occur with some frequency. Of all the groups, Jewish women are the most hesitant to come forward. No part of the Jewish community is more or less prone to it. Income or lack thereof doesn't necessarily increase the possibility nor preclude it. Perhaps our fear of making an "ashanda," a public disgrace, kept its incidence hidden. In doing that, we perpetuated the violence and its abuse.

That domestic violence is an absolute sin goes without saying. If it is negative Torah commandment, namely, not to hit the stranger, how more so is it a negative commandment, not it hit someone to whom you are married, or to your parent, or to your child. That there are resources in the community, and must be maintained at an adequate level also is obvious. I can say that I have been involved in cases of domestic abuse three times in my entire career. Clearly people in such distress have not thought to call the Rabbi. But it is part of our/my pastoral ministry, to shepherd people in distress and direct them to the proper agencies, while being their spiritual support and even their advocate. Lastly, this is a tough subject to present when we have the simchas of bar and bat mitzvah weekly on the bemah. Nonetheless, we cannot be aloof from a subject that even if hidden, is sadly and most unfortunately, part of our society, Jewish as well.  I would like to share several Jewish teachings that reflect on the subject, mostly from the positive side, how we as spouses, parents and children should behave towards each other.

• Megillah 28a "A Talmudic sage, when asked by his disciples to what merit he attributed his longevity, responded, "I never said a cross word in my home." Whether it was literally true or not this is a beautiful concept. One lives a long life as the positive consequence of the pleasantry of how one spokes to their family. This is not confession hour, but I would pause and ask each one of us to reflect about our tone and demeanor at home. Being human beings with our flaws we can't be as perfect as the Talmud sage. But, do we think about how we speak, what words, what attitude, what language we use? It can readily become abusive and leave lifelong scars. On the other hand the home can be the best image of heaven-on-earth.

• Tana d'bey Eliyahu 28  "Thus said God to Israel: 'Am I lacking anything that I must ask of you? All I ask is that you love one another and respect one another.'" This is a beautiful Midrash. With all that exists in the entire universe, despite every precious object, we, human beings cause God to lack. He needs us to do something between ourselves than makes Him complete. That is the Rabbinic way of saying that these are the ultimate: respect and love. These two values embedded in our daily living connect us to God. They imbue us with divinity. Contrary to the Beatle's song All You Need Is Love, this Midrash says that you need respect as well. Why? I think the answer is that love can be a flimsy feeling. The Ten Commandments doesn't use the word love in reference to our behavior towards our parents. It says kabayd the intensive form of the word to honor which means to respect. In all instances, happy and angry, in agreement and in disagreement, God needs us to respect the essence of each other, the personhood, the psyche, the body, the feelings of each other. Then He is complete and so are we.

• Gittin 6b "Rabbi Yehuda said in the name of Rav: If a man terrorizes his household, hits his household, he will eventually commit three sins: illicit relations, blood shedding and desecration of Shabbat." This is a very interesting statement and needs some explanation to see how powerful it is. The Rabbis teach us that there are three situations in which if someone commanded us "Do it or I'll kill you," it is better to die that to do it. And those are: if someone says to engage in improper sexual acts, or to kill someone, or to commit idolatry, we should offer our life and never do it. That is how heinous and depraved it is. Rav, as quoted by Rabbi Yehuda is saying that domestic violence is so monstrous, dreadful and wicked, that someone who does it is on the path to violate the three cardinal sins of Judaism, murder, idolatry and sexual immorality. Ultimately domestic violence leads to the disintegration of relationships, the disintegration of society, and the attitude that there are no rules and there is no ruler. This is a world filled with evil, the kind that God destroyed in the story of Noah in tomorrow's sedra.

From this Midrash I proceed into two directions. Firstly, rewrite the Midrash in the positive! The person who esteems his household, who reveres his household, will ultimately lead himself and them to the highest levels of personal relationships, love of humanity and love of God. It is in the power of each person, adult and youngster, to make life hell or heaven. How we behave, how we speak, how we listen, how we relate to each other is so powerful and determines greatly the people we will be for the rest of our lives. We can be positive, optimistic, hopeful, supportive, and constructive, or the reverse. The atmosphere in our homes has such ultimate influence.

And secondly, because domestic violence has so much power, those threatened by it must seek help. Too many tragic endings have been written because people acquiesced and accepted their circumstances rather than seeking help, guidance and support. There are many such resources in our community that afford the individual privacy that maintains their dignity and self-respect. From the rest us they need our unconditional love.

May no one ever suffer because they were afraid to turn for help.

May no one ever refrain from at least giving love, while leading them to others who may be of help.

If we were to fulfill only one mitzvah of the whole Torah and the entirety of Judaism, then let it be "v'ahavta l'reyacha kamocha – love thy neighbor as thyself."

Amen.